happy 2 months connie chan. i know it hasn’t been that long but i have already fallen so many times. so much. i feel like i am stuck. i hope you will like the gift i got for you. but if you don’t i am really fine with you exchanging it. according to snore’s, i got to see your reaction first and play it calm. tomorrow at 9pm we have reservations at club a steakhouse. snores helped choose the place and it looks nice. couple’s night out. $100. not too shabby. hopefully the food will be good.

im worried what that boy will do when you are gone. when im on the other side of the world. if he does something, am i allowed to be mad? am i allowed to break it off? he is desperate and it is obvious. he calls you? i didn’t know that. i bet you have fun talking to him. more than when you talk to me probably. am i lacking in confidence? no. i just know that.

i want to just not be worried. i just want to have a good time being with you. because honestly, like as i said to snores, this relationship probably has a deadline. and for some reason, that deadline doesn’t seem too far away.

the gift i got you. honestly, i don’t know if it is the right thing to give to you. and i feel like you don’t want me to get you anything because you feel like this relationship isn’t going to last anyways. and i feel that way. but maybe this can work.

realistically, the chances are slim. but chances are chances.

you know how people say that you might regret not taking the chance? i feel like i never would regret it but right now, i want this. no, i need this.

but let’s just say that you end this sometime soon. because of him. because of someone else. i hope that i can just get over it.

will i regret getting you that gift? maybe. probably, not.

if we stay together, i hope that the necklace will remind you of me.

i love you connie chan and i hope that everything will work out.

look at me now. here once again typing away.

what do i feel right now? i dont know. lakers lost. got swept by the mavs. phil jackson’s last game and it ends with a shitty ass game. kobe? what happened? may i ask him that? oh well. mavs have how many championships? using what paul always used to say. anyways. so she is there getting help from her big. i am pretty sure her butt crack is showing. like always. she is never cautious. i want to be happy and talk a lot blah blah blah. hey look who else is here. dio. hah. i swear he is a fag. meaning. fucking ass gay. lol… anyways. i have nothing against fags. except for my roommates and dio and lots of other fags. hah. look at that. she always has so much fun talking to her friends. more than she ever does with me. sad. but true. she says that she “likes” me. whatever that means. she has that “feeling” whatever that means. well actually i do know what that means. but i think her feeling is not the same feeling that i know of. you know, the feeling when you feel like nothing in the world matters and you just feel like nothing could go wrong. but we fight so much that… that doesnt happen. hah.. hah.. bynum pwned jj. funny.

“ok yea”

“o you forgot the coefficient or something”

swear she doesnt do work. 

“disappointed”

she said she is efficient with her time. uhhhhhhhhhhhhh… not really. obviously never seen me in full out study mode. LOOK AT ME NOW BASDAOSIUDAOISF. no i am not saying right now at this moment.

“hahaha..”

she is getting so much work done. sooooo much work. one question. 15 minutes. damn. 

it ends tonight. lets be strong. hold it, fight it, just let it go. strangers again. just like where we were before all of this happened. i need to be strong. i need to let this go. it should have happened a long time ago. i feel alone. lonely. my life feels incomplete but maybe that gap will be filled one day. hopefully that days comes earlier.

i never gave a fuck about haters

watch them hate and i will kill em’

fucking get em while they aint lookin’

fuck this shit im done im over it

watch me fly

watch me go

watch me do that fucking hoe

cause this aint shit

and you know what

you are just nothing yo

watch me do it

watch me you it

fucking bitch ass nigga

he will be there at the meeting for dsp. she will probably be happy to see him. probably misses him. what about me? no where in the picture. at bobst trying to study but you know me. studying and i dont get along. need to study for orgo exam and sounds quiz. tomorrow is the strawberry festival and she will be going. i probably wont be able to. she will probably have fun with snores and most likely some guys that she knows will be there. and all will be jolly for her while i am in some room taking a damn exam. wow. life is great. never get to go to any of these special events with her. today is cinco de mayo. want to get foodo with my girlo but insteado she going with her bigo. yayo. tumbling on tumblr til i run out of tumbling tumbles.. the eff. lakers lost last night. fuck no. mavs? please. even if they somehow win the series, they arent going to win the championship. no way. here i am and here i say. tired. sleep. cigarette? sleep. sleep. sleep.

hello tumblr. long time no write. only you can keep my deepest thoughts a secret. it has almost been a year now but here i am back at it again. why? because these times are the hardest. the times where i just wish that my mind could go blank. the times where i wish that my thoughts would stop running and my roommate has his fucking music on. music on that i dont want to fucking hear. fucker pisses on the toilet seat and doesnt flush. wtf. he is a mofoin junior. grow the fuck up. wow.. just shut the fucking door. is that hard to do? lazy ass. fucking bitch ass gay mofo. so inconsiderate. anyways let me continue with what has been bothering me lately…

lately. it has been all about her. her her her. i sound like i am tired of this. am i? kind of? i dont know. i know if this stopped here. right now. i will feel fine for a few hours. but then i will miss her. i will think twice. i will start regretting. but i cant help it but think about what will happen. she texted “you dont give a shit”… but honestly, i feel like she is the one doesnt give a shit. to her, all of this is simply something that she will take as a memory. whether it be good or bad. because for her, realistically, she probably believes somewhere deep inside that this is not going to last. yet she wants whatever there is right now. and me? where am i in this? im happy. at times. times when i dont think about her leaving. times when i dont think about how we wont see each other as much anymore. but those times are the most prominent. seriously, what kind of human being doesnt think about what will happen—a human being that doesnt give a shit. i sound mad. maybe i am mad. mad that she will be living me. mad that she will probably forget me. mad that something can realistically, most possibly happen between her and that guy. that guy. that guy…

lets be honest. what am i to her? she says she loves me. what the. love? what is her definition of love? i dont feel any love. she just believes that whatever she feels is love. but guess what, that feeling? you are going to shrug it off once you leave me. maybe in month, a week, or even a day. so why am i still here? stressed. depressed. mad. idk. you tell me.

she doesnt miss me now, never does. so why will she miss me when she goes off somewhere new—starting pretty much a new life even if it is only for 4 months. for her, 4 months might be nothing. to me, it can change everything. it can flip the world upside down, it can toss away the old, leave me in the dust, while you just go along without a trace of me. thanks. when that happens, i promise we will never see, speak, or hear of each other again.

lets end this now. i want to say it. but i dont. i do but i dont. you tell me maybe it can work out. you never know. yes. we never know. but im scared for myself because in the end it will be me that gets hurt. you? you will be fine. i know for sure you will be fine.

give me a cigarette. i want to smoke until this pain goes away. drink until my thoughts are no longer clear. so that way i can simply sleep. be in a world that doesnt exist. a world where me and you is nothing but a dream. 

i worked out again after the lakers’ game. i felt like throwing up again, and my right elbow is bothering me. oh no. deuces.